I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize