so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
