Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
