You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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