I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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