You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize