You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize