The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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