I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
