Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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