my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
COCAINE IS GR8
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