I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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