Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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