Your mouth is God's brothel.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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