Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
