I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
