he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
