I just saw a hot homeless man
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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