So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
