an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
