Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
