I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
