broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
