I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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