I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
