Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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