kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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