her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize