I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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