i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
