i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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