just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
