I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
