sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
