Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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