"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
