I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
