You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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