Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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