Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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