You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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