He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize