Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
