I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
