Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
