I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
