your parents love me but you hate me
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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