theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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