you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
