I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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