hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
