and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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