I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
