Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
