Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
