At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize