and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you win again, gameday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sarcasm needs its own font
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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