You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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