Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
