what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
