i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
