so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
