Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
