I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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