Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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