we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize