Pants 0. Shit 1.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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