oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His nipple licking is glorious
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
