my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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