college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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